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bienvenue a mon cerveau de merde [Sep. 28th, 2005|01:57 am]
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |Emily - Stephen Fretwell]

wow, look, it's 2am. and qhat a surprise, i'm not alseep!

uni started back on monday, i am, truthfully, looking forward to this year more than i was last. guess this has something to do with the fact that most of the modules i've chosen are actually interesting, to me.

alice has a placement sorted out in london, she makes me so so jealous (i know, before you shout at me alice!), such energy, or passion, commitment to doing what she wants to do. i envy that, truly. danielle is unwell again, and i'm useless and keep not writing to her, wish i could be more help than the occasional text message, but she's beaten worse than this before, so I trust she's going to be fine. oh, and a couple of weeks ago I felt guilty at the amount of people I'd fallen out of touch with, so I sent lots of emails out to people. got a couple of replies (ha, how popular am i?!) but one was a really important one. one i never actually expected to receive. so I was stupidly optimistic, and of course, as always, that's got somewhat dashed. gym's not going as well as I hoped it would, surprise!been swimming a couple of times, subjecting my belly to the world, but I really enjoyed it, more than the actual gym. although I can't stop going the gym, because I need to work on bits that swimming doesn't reach (no flexible head)

usual things are still difficult, strained, annoying. finally got my pay rise couple weeks ago (only 12 montsh late) and then swiftly got a company pay-rise too, so that's incredibly useful (especially considering that I have £140 left from my loan after paying my fees...shiiiiiit)

um, my brain is still being incredibly annoying, second-guessing and sabotaging as often as possible. making things difficult. oh, and (change of song) my new favourite cheese-music that I shouldn't like but really do is kelly clarkson (yes, THAT kelly clarkson) but I uphold the video for 'behind these hazel eyes is a work of absolute crazed genius (replaced tart simpson and xmen3 director's(sob, there goes the franchise) shambles of a murdered 'these boots' video....shaky-breast-wet-car-washing-bikini-action anybody?...as the best work of a loon on music tv at the moment. oh, just watch it here .

i am going to try and sleep now. overdose on the lavender (thank you jamie!) and lull myself into a false sense of togetherness. or stare at the ceiling for a few more hours. again!

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No, I'm still alive! [Sep. 6th, 2005|10:25 pm]
[mood |hothot]
[music |Antony and The Johnsons - Hope there's someone]

So, it's been a stupid number of months since I last wrote in here. I have no excuse, and I can't even promise I'll be writing more frequently from now on. It's annoying because this journal was always such a good vent for any frustration or anger I had.

And I just stopped one day, stopped writing that is, not stopped getting frustrated or angry!

So, what's new on my life? Um...moved house beginning of August, been working loads, but strangely STILL have nothing really to sow for it, I hate that I can do that! Jamie and I reached the big 365 mark, had a really good couple of days to celebrate. Oh, and I joined a gym! I do hate them, and I realise that if you think about it too much, the absurdity that we've created a society in which we eat so unhealthily and do so little exercise that we have to build places and machines and then PAY to do the exercise solely to remain relatively healthy becomes overbearing. But, until I get that cynical, I'm actually enjoying going. The gym is fairly new so most things still work, it's relatively handy, and it's quite cheap (yep, I'm easy to please!). My poor arms hurt though, because I have wimpy gay-boy arms (they're worse than wimpy girls arms', look it up) and I been blasting them on the weights, hahahahahahahaha! And I might even get rid of my belly, stranger things have happened!

Ohhhhhhhh, I REALLY need to go away and do something fun. I was hoping I might get the chance before uni started back, but clearly I'm not going to be able to. And I really need to go to Leeds or Reading next year, because I don't want ot have to sulk again as much as I did this bank holiday weekend!

I'm bored now, bye.

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General rant! [May. 23rd, 2005|09:36 pm]
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |http://www.bradiolive.co.uk (it's great!)]

So...work is going to be fun, I'm doing, over the course of 10 days, 78 hours in work, including two 8am-7pm shifts. Hahahahahahaaha! Oh it's going to be fun!
I'm sure I'll let you know come Monday evening. If I can still remember how to type, or spell, or turn on the laptop.
Jamie's having a bad night, and he's got his exams tomoro, so I'm sending him much good luck, and hope he sleeps well via the medium of livejournal!

I saw Ann last night and today, for the first time in ages, which was really good. We stayed in the travelodge by the tunnel entrance, and I slept SO incredibly well it's unfunny. The city noises, people, lorries, cars, the general harm you only get in cities...made me feel so comfortable and happy, and I slept stupidly well. Chalk another one up for the living in the city-centre tally. At least now I know I'm not being nostalgic or anything.

Only a couple of weeks until I go to Berlin, I'm really looking forward to it, if anyone has been and fancies giving me some recommendations, thatd b fab!I've done well at saving for the holiday which, as you'll know if you know me, is a big deal, so I'm really pleased that I've managed it!

Theres more stuff I wanna talk about, but can't...let's just say that I believe in Karma, and it will come back to you at some point, just bear that in mind.
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Proof 'God' doesn't exist (part 3 million and 12)... [May. 12th, 2005|04:25 pm]
[mood |angryangry]
[music |Lenny Kravitz - Are You Gonna Go My Way (XFM)]

or at least doesn't like the gays.

It wouldn't be this sunny when I have to revise. Or revision wouldn't be so dull. Or something!
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eurgh [May. 3rd, 2005|08:10 pm]
[mood |crappycrappy]
[music |xfm]

So, revision-time is upon us once more. Great!
I hate revision, I'm looking forward to not having to do exams ever again soon (well, hopefully, in about a year!) There's so much I'd rather be doing than revising, and, annoyingly, at the moment I seem to be doing it and anything rather than revise.

At the risk of sounding like an incredibly annoying stuck record, I truly think if I enjoyed my course I would be more inclined to actually do the work required.

The library IS open 24 hours at the moment, maybe I should take advantage of that sometime this week. At least if I'm not in the house I can't distract myself with the Internet (the worst and best invention of the last 20 years).

I just wish I felt up to doing more than sitting in bed watching films and eating junk food.

Maybe panic will set in tomorrow when I realise HOW thick my pile of revision actually is, and how little time I have to do it (one week from tomorrow).

And I wish I didn't get drawn so easily into feeling the way I used to when I lived in Cheltenham. All it takes is the smallest reminder and my brain seems to decide its a good idea to make me feel like I'm 17 all over again.
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Stolen from takingbacktoday [Apr. 26th, 2005|11:48 am]
[mood |indescribableindescribable]
[music |domebadthings - Time For Deliverance]

Everybody reading this, post a memory (good or bad) of you and me please!!

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Call for help! [Apr. 21st, 2005|01:19 am]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

What do you do, if you get an amazing offer of something potentially in the future that is what you probably want to do with your life, but it involves going back somewhere you never wanted to go back to?

9 hours (including exams) left!
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Yep...it's deadline time again! [Mar. 10th, 2005|11:15 pm]
[mood |blahblah]
[music |talksport (i can't get angry with music and flick!)]

I'm not sure why I've stopped posting as much as I used to. (Well, there are some things I want to write that wouldn't be received very well...) But, it's time to hand in two essays on Monday, so obviously I'm here, writing in my livejournal!

I'm actually not too stressed about one...I have to critically evaluate an hypothesis, which isn't that bad (I'm thinking 500 words intro, 500 words for, 500 words against, 500 word conclusion.ish.) but the second one is gonna b HARD. I have to squeeze 2000 words from ONE environmental effect on prenatal development. HOW?!

Anyway...other than uni, things are going well. Had our 6 month a week and a half ago, which was really good. Nice to feel so special to someone.

Work is going ok, not on the right level of pay yet, but I'll get there. Eventually! Easter coming up soon, and no, I'm not going back to Cheltenham! I'm seeing Alice for a couple of days, which is great, and hopefully going to see Pippa, Asha, Noah and Bob too. I miss them loads. Found the picture of me from when I went to see Asha and Pippa in the hospital. I'm 10 and Asha is about 24hours old! It's one of my favourite ever photos, and I have it on my wall now. Always makes me smile.

Anyway, it's not late, but I'm going to finish reading my journal articles (crazynonstopfun) and then sleep :D (if I can sleep. and if i don't have another full-day dream, grrr)

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Oh Cheltenham! [Feb. 25th, 2005|05:18 pm]
[mood |calmcalm]
[music |The Futureheads - Alms]

Bloody long time, no post!

So...quick catch-up...got a ludicrously high 2:1 (it may even, just, be a 1st!) in my first semester of second year...so that was nice!

I'm now twenteen years old (thank you Alice), and went back to Cheltenham a couple weekends back. Which is mainly why I'm posting. It was incredibly odd to go back. Odder than I can explain (and as Jamie can attest, I've tried!) I really enjoyed seeing everyone that I saw. The benefit of having moved away permanently is that I resent people less when I do go back! I saw people I'd not seen since the end of school (hello Char) and people I'd not seen since last Christmas. But I couldn't shake the incredibly weird feeling of not belonging anymore. Believe me, I'm not that upset that I didn't miss being in Cheltenham (there's a double negative for ya!) it's more that I am, truly, rootless. Reading stopped feeling like a home years and years ago, and Cheltenham never really did, if I'm being honest. But I thought that, maybe, going back, and actually seeing my friends, would make me feel more...as if I was from there. So it was very odd to walk the roads and routes I walked for nearly a decade and feel NOthing. I got the odd 'oh yeah' moment (walking past the children's ward reminded me of Neil and everything that happened there, for example, and I let myself walk along the boys college wall in an attempt to make me smile - it worked)

But now I am rootless. I love Liverpool more than I have loved anywhere I've lived (I was too young to appreciate Reading for what it was, I think).

Going back helped me to realise, too, that I'm now almost completely comfortable with who I am. Which for me is a MASSIVE deal! Something twigged while I was walking back from seeing Jamie today, I walked past some 'jock' guys, and laughed about how, even 2 years ago, I might have wished I could be more like them. But I'm me, and I'm happy with that.

Just a few alterations to make...the way I've treated some people, for example. I'm guilty, yet again, of taking people for granted. Assuming they'll be around when I want them or need them, ignoring the fact that they might want or need me. But, it's what I do. (That or screw friendships up by encouraging people to acknowledge things they might have preferred not to). It's why I'm not in contact with anyone from Dolphin, Reading, T Reunion Group. I just assume we will keep in touch, stay friends, and of course we don't. And I hope that I haven't irreperally damaged the first friendship of its type that I've ever had.

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Exams are pooey [Jan. 17th, 2005|06:54 pm]
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |doves]

i hate revision

i hate getting stressed about exams

i dislike my course

i don't like being as timid as i've become

i'm dissapointed not everyone is going to be around when i go down to cheltenham

i'm fed up of being so tired, so much of the time

i see no reason to go to the doctor about it...didn't help last time

i'm bored of revising

i'm thirsty

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